The Art of Smiling

In Complete Awe

2012-01-31T18:39:00.000-08:00

So much has happened in the last few days! I am totally and completely amazed by God in a way I have never been before. My love and awe has increased by a factor of about a million bajillion!

To start with, yes, I am disappointed our house sale fell through. Yet, if it had gone through I would have missed out on so much!

GU (Generation Unleashed) is a conference our church attends. As always I was impressed by the church itself but also (much more importantly) by what God did in student's lives.

For me, GU was a reminder of God's love for me. That was the most important part for me. Of course we had loads and loads of fun and ended up exhausted.

The best part though? The van ride home! Oh my word!! Can someone say 'Our God is amazing!" Please? We had gone around in the van and everyone shared their favorite part, least favorite part and how they were changed. Then we prayed and some people led out. It was cool, but the best part was still to come.

For some reason Jason brought up the Holy Spirit. Then Sydney asked who hadn't been baptized in the Holy Spirit. Then we moved seats around so girls could pray for/over girls and guys with guys. I explained our beliefs about speaking in tongues and we began.

It was so unexplainable powerful. Something about people uniting together in the name of Jesus is so intensely moving. I was praying over Trisha and she was just sobbing in God's presence. Then a little while later I leaned in to hear her speaking in tongues! I nearly screamed out of excitement and joy! Then I couldn't help but laugh! The Holy Spirit was working and moving in that van on the way home from conference. God doesn't care where you are. If you press into Him he will not let you down.

So all of this was amazing and really pushed us over the edge. Usually, at least for me, the car ride home from camp is when the 'spiritual high' already begins to wear off. But we broke that this time. And I will never be the same because of it.

This Sunday night was our worship night at Stone. Now, I've always loved worship, I may not be a great singer but worship is still so awesome to me. Anyways, the lady leading the night said something along the lines of God's love for you isn't going to grow based on you and your works. Wow. My whole life I've been taught it's not the works you do that save you (Romans 1), but that it's loving and accepting Christ as your savior. Yes, I know that. But to realize I don't have to work to please God or to make him love me any more totally removed a huge burden off of me. As a PK I always know there is more I could be doing for our church and that I therefore should be doing. Now I realize though that it isn't about pleasing God, it's about worshiping Him. I've known this in my head forever but this was the first time I felt it, and I knew it for myself.

I have such an unexplainable all powerful joy. I'm never going to be who I once was.

If God Is For Us, Then Who Could Ever Stop Us?

2012-01-06T18:29:00.000-08:00

FINALLY!! Our house is coming off the market! We have 13 days (January 19th) to pack up and move out! It's such a huge an amazing blessing!
People keep asking if I'm excited. My answer? I don't really know. It's so overwhelming, and there's so much going on. I feel kind of lost in all the confusion of packing, hanging out with friends for the last time, and trying to get school stuff ready to transfer.
But, God has given me the best friends in the world! I can't imagine what I'd do without them! Whenever I just need someone to encourage me or to tell me it'll be alright I know they'll be there. I love them so much! And I'm going to miss them even more...
I am amazed by God and his love for us as his creation. I've always 'known' this but the older I've become and the more I've learned the more amazing this seems. "Nothing you could ever say or do will ever change God's love for you." This phrase has been ingrained into my mind for as long as I can remember. But I will NEVER take that for granted.
God has given me all I have and I am so thankful!
I've had some moments where I was scared for my life, yet God's hand of protection was over me. Because of God's protection I'm still alive and well. This is proof to me that with moving to Moscow my God will protect me. He loves and cares for me. Nothing can stop that.
I will not forget that.

Visiting My New Home

2011-12-23T18:31:00.000-08:00

It's Christmas Break!! This is our family's first Christmas in our new town of Moscow, it's so exciting but different in so many ways!
At school, before break, I had to write about our family's Christmas traditions, it brought back a lot of hilarious and fun memories. For example; my dad and I went out shopping on Christmas Eve and got into a sword fight with pool noodles and nearly got kicked out, or how every year I get burnt by the hot candle wax during our Christmas Eve Candle Light Service.
As I worked on the paper I realized that this was going to be a year filled brand new traditions.
I wasn't sure whether or not I should be excited.
I mean this is a big change. This is the first time in about 14 years we won't be going to Jack-In-The-Box or looking at Christmas Lights after our Christmas Eve Service. This is my first Christmas I can remember where we aren't doing stocking stuffers (not complaining about that though). This is the first Christmas in about six years I won't be spending with my grandparents.
It's hard and different, yes, but this year is the start of something new. We get to make changes to our traditions. We get to start new ones we've never done, like getting the candles ready for the Candle Light Service. We get to do the traditions my parents had before I was born, like getting some form of Chinese or other asian food on Christmas Day.
I woke up this morning, in Moscow, at a friend's house incredibly upset. I was more homesick than I've ever been in my life. All I wanted was to be at home with my friends, I didn't want to be in Moscow. I didn't want anything to do with what we were doing as a family. I just wanted to be home.
Then I remembered, this is God's calling on my family's life. What right do I have to be upset that God's called my family? Jesus did everything God asked of him. Why can't I be like that? This is my new town and I'm not going to rebel against it. This is my new home for a reason and a purpose. Who am I to fight that? I'm God's child. He's not going to put me in a circumstance that is unintentional. It's going to be hard. But Jesus was hung on the cross, who am I to complain? My friends may be distancing themselves slowly but surely. Jesus was betrayed. Who am I to complain? I may not want this in the moment. But this is what God has in store for me. Who am I to fight God?

I'm Ready.

2011-10-16T19:57:00.000-07:00

It took me a few weeks to decide if I wanted to post this.
This is the most transparent thing I’ve ever done.
Here we go; this move has been hard on me. I don’t like admitting when something’s been hard or when I’ve been hurt but I have.
Already my life has changed so much. People are replacing me long before I’m gone. I’ve already distanced myself from my best friends in preparation for leaving.
This is not how I wanted it to happen.
I wanted to announce we were leaving and be gone. I don’t like this here but not thing. It’s not working for me.
I want to be in Moscow completely, or not go at all.
I miss my friends, the way we used to be. I don’t even talk to the same people any more.
It’s weird and awkward. I want my old life back; I want everything to be how it was. It was better, perfect for me actually. My friends were the best, better than I could have ever asked for.
This move is already distancing me from them, and I’m not even gone yet. I’m not a fan.
I already miss you Yakima, and the way things were, and I haven’t even left yet.

Yet, with that said I know that God has something better. But I’m sick of hearing that. I want to see it.
I’m ready to see God’s hand and not just have this feeling that something great, and better than I could have ever imagined is coming.
It’s time.

And I’m ready.

Moving... Again

2011-09-26T15:49:00.000-07:00

Hey guys! So, it's been a while but, uh, here's another post!
As PK's most of us have moved more times than we'd like to admit. Some pk's find their identity in moving because they've allowed it to define them. This is the whole reason we have this blog. As pk's we need to be here for each other and encourage each other to see how awesome we truly are, no matter what our parents are like!
I, Caitlin, am moving... Again! Hence the title.
To fully undestand this move you need a little more backstory about me.
My first town was Clarkston, WA. My parents were youth pastors there until I was a couple months old. Then we youth pastor-ed (yes, it's a verb.) in Sea-Tac. We were there until I turned two, this is when my parents felt God's calling us to something brand new and better than we could ever imagine. We moved to Yakima! So, Yakima is kinda lame sounding and anyone who's lived here forever would say it is boring. But, we moved here to become children's pastors. We love the people here. It was the best thing that's ever happened to me, and I was only two. We've been here in Yakima for 14.5 years and we love it here! My grandparents have moved up here to live close to us and my great-grandparents came too. This is our town. This is my "hometown." This is home.
Last September my dad began feeling the call to become a senior pastor. At first all it was to me was an excited feeling, something I couldn't fully understand yet. It was just an exciting thought in the back of my mind. My dad told me it would be a few years until then. But I could see him changing and growing. Only a year or two before this we left children's ministries, and began associate pastor-ing (another verb). I could see him changing and growing and I knew it would be sooner than we all expected but I denied that thought, hoping it would pass. It didn't.
This Spring Break, my dad dropped the bomb. By the end of this year we would be senior pastors. I'd like to say it didn't bother me, but it did. I was upset and hurt. Yet, I couldn't talk about it because no one was supposed to know yet. I kept quiet and pretended all was okay but deep down, I knew it wasn't. I knew it meant leaving all I really know.
The exciting/adventure-some thoughts were starting to wear off. They were still there but slowly fading.
My parents were looking at churches and submitting resumes at every opening they felt a slight tug towards. With every church or town they told me about I died a little inside.
Yakima's my home, why in the world would I want to leave it? I have all I could ever ask for here. Awesome friends, an amazing church, and nearby family. What could be better?
Moscow, Idaho. A town I had only heard my dad talk about. Yes, it's only a half hour from my first town but I hadn't ever been there. Why would I want to? It's home to the Vandals. I love Boise State. Pssshh why would I want to go to Vandal Country?
Yet, I didn't fight God's call on our family. I kept trucking on. I didn't want to admit that God had a plan for us there, I wanted to be bitter and upset but I just couldn't be.
We finally announced to our church in Yakima on September 4th that we were looking at moving on. One year after God's callings first began. I don't even want to count how many people came up to me tears in their eyes, telling me how much I mean to them, and how much they're going to miss me. Somehow I managed to smile the whole day and to say I was just happy there wasn't a secret anymore. Yet, I knew that with every face that looked at me with that look, pk's you know which 'look' I'm talking about, I knew that I wouldn't ever forget it.
It was nice to have people know but all the questions, they were overwhelming. It was great to finally talk about it but still there were so many, so so many.
That next week we went to Moscow, for the first time. And we were elected unanimously. I looked over at my little sister a few minutes after it was announced, while the church was praying for us, to see tears streaming down her face. But, I looked around at the people praying for us and could see the excitement, and anticipation, and joy in their faces. Only to look back at my sister's and see her crying. It was hard. But this totally explains the torn feelings I have about this move. Sadness, but excitement. Such a big contradiction, an oxymoron really but yet that's how I feel.
It's an adorable looking town. But, I'd be lying if I said I'm overly excited to live there. I'm excited for the new and what we're going to do there but so sad about what I'm going to have to leave behind.
This next week was the week when the ever popular question started appearing more and more prominently. "Are you excited? Or are you nervous?" My answer, yes. I am excited for the new but I am so nervous. This is something totally new. Yes, God has prepared me and my family but there's so many things to think about. This is my junior year, and I'm transferring to a new high school, I'm going to have to get a job that isn't babysitting since I won't know many young families needing a sitter, I'm going to be at a new church where everyone will know me but I won't know them. I am very excited for what God's going to do and what all I'm going to learn.
As this dream has become more and more of a reality the excitement is wearing off, and the sadness is nearly outweighing it. Not quite but getting close.
I'm going to miss Yakima very much, but the best is yet to come.

Holding Back

2010-11-26T13:43:00.000-08:00

     We're human. We've all made mistakes. Yet, we never feel like we can tell people. We are the absoloute best secret keepers ever. We have a lot of pressure on us, to keep secrets both about other people and oursevles. Where is all this pressure coming from? Our mindset.
    We are the ones putting all the pressure on ourselves. We are making ourselves think we must be perfect, we're convincing ourselves that everyone is watching our every move and judging us. We aren't allowing ourselves to live life to the fullest but concentrating more on what people are thinking about us. We are allowing ourselves to be people pleasers.
    I'm not saying that we don't have hurt, or that we need to buck up and get over it. I'm saying that our worst enemy is often ourselves and that we need to take control of the way we make ourselves feel. We don't need to be perfect. We are human. We are going to make mistakes. Let go of the perfectionistic mind set and live your life as a teenager is supposed to! :)

I am the audience part 3: bitterness

2010-07-31T15:29:00.000-07:00

Are you bitter? I know I am. It is so easy to become so without even knowing or trying. At least, that's what I have found in my own life. It was like I just woke up and realized how bitter and angry I was. I looked up bitterness on Dictionary.com. The definitions that stood out to me most were:

1. Having a harsh, disagreeably acrid taste.

and

7. Resentful or cynical: bitter words.

Is the feeling inside you like a disagreeable taste? Are you resentful and cynical? So how can we abolish bitterness in our lives and how can we keep it from coming back? Well, first thing is first, you probably have a reason that you're bitter. Could be something that happened to you once that made you this way. What are you bitter about? About being a PK? Are you mad at God for making you the child of a pastor? Or it could be caused by hurt from lack of acceptance for who you are. Maybe you tried something and failed so many times that it has caused you to be bitter. Whatever it is, you need to let go of it. Letting go is a painful thing, especially if you have held on to this anger or hurt for a long time. Give it up to God and ask him to fill that place in your heart that was once filled with bitterness. God wants you to love and trust without having a bad taste in your mouth so SPIT IT OUT! It's not okay to be bitter.

fear

2010-06-19T13:20:00.000-07:00

     What are our most common fears as pks or just people in general? Rejection? Hatred? Moving? Unknown? You aren't alone.
     Rejection: We're all scared. Simple right? No we're scared that at our new church, our new school, maybe just coming back to school, that our closest friends will find someone better. Someone nicer, prettier, has better clothes, more money, or just seems cooler. If someone rejects you for any of these reasons they weren't worth your time and rejection may just be a blessing in disguise. This rejection may lead you to better friends that won't flake out on you. But rejection is going to be painful of course! It's rejection for goodness sake... It's a painful but worth while process.
     Hatred: Two way street here. We're scared to have someone hate us of course we want everyone to love us. We're people pleasers we NEED to break that. We love Jesus therefore people should hate us. If people don't hate you because of your faith then you're being passive, way too passive. Which means you need to repent and start taking a stand for what you believe. The other side of the street; hating others. What if someone slips and tells you something that makes you lose respect for someone or makes you hate them? Maybe they did something simple like lie about being sick in order to skip their turn in the baby room, or something stupid like went off about your pastor parent. Whatever the reason you probably feel hatred towards them. Which needs to end now. You need to repent to God and ask the person you ended up hating for forgiveness. Yes the person-to-person thing will be very scary but it needs to be done.
     Moving: I'm sure we cann all relate to this. The scariest thing probably as a pk is seeing those invitation to move somewhere else. You know that I'm finally settling in here getting used to these neighbors feeling? Well once you get it, it's like BAM!!! New invite to a church to be considered. Scary, very scary. Moving, moving, moving, moving, that word just scares you huh? Us too... Yet, really it's just the fear of the unknown.
     Unknown: We're scared of just about everything that we don't know. New towns, new schools, new houses, new friends. Anything unfamilliar scares us. Repent... The fear of the unknown is a major stronghold in lives, you need to break free from it in yours in order to live your life as best as possible.
     In general when we get scared we put on those masks. Those masks that kill us inside. A smile that looks so real it fools us sometimes.

perfection

2010-04-24T13:36:00.000-07:00

Every pk knows the feeling we all deny it but it's there. We have all tried so hard to make people think we're perfect but wen do not we don't need to be. We don't owe anyone perfection. We can't be perfect. We do reflect our parents but they aren't perfect so why should we be? My parents taught a parenting class for a couple years which just added to the pressure to be perfect. Some family friends have told me multiple times "Be yourself not your father's daughter," but that's been hard for me, really, really, hard. Yet showing people my mistakes has helped me. I am part of small group at the church where we just talk about our mistakes which has helped a lot and I would definantely recommend that to every pk, your small group will need to be filled with people you trust and that trust you. But, if you don't trust anyone at your church then join one that has people that trust you.

A friend named Nate (he helps at our pk retreat) was speaking once and said "the expectation of perfection is the same as the feeling of needing to fit in." That really strikes me oddly I never felt the need to fit in so the realization of the fact that I have felt the need to fit in, that's so life changing. Nate had an amazing service that morning. Some of his points were

1)We don't have to be perfect

2) We need to be an example pk or not

1 Timothy 4:12

3) You don't have to be perfect

Perfection is something we've all pursued admit it or not. Yet none of us have gotten it. It's a commonality with all pks we need to remember we don't owe perfection to anyone. We are our own people, not a mini version of our parents, but unique individuals.

I Am the Audience part 2

2010-04-17T11:44:00.000-07:00

If you read I Am the Audience and loved it, I'm glad. If you found that you were a lot like the person in that story, you were probably thinking something along the lines of: "Ok, good, some one like me that understands and can feel sorry for me because I have a hard life." If you thought anything that remotely suggested that, oh man, you were so wrong. I don't mean to be rude but that's just the way it is. If you are like the person in the story of I Am the Audience, you might stop reading this now. If that idea even crossed your mind, I strongly urge you to KEEP READING! You may be in a hard place right now but that is NO EXCUSE to dwell in that! We probably all have our moments where we feel like the world is crashing down on us and we're all alone. There is nothing wrong with that, the problem is staying in that place and not working to come out of it. Yes, life is hard and we're hurt sometimes but it is not okay to hold all of that inside to grow and expand. Sometimes as people, that leads to not being able to trust other people, which is not healthy at all! Sure you could have had a bad experience or two where somebody you loved and trusted failed you. It hurts, I know! But we have to learn how to come out of it and trust again. There is a reason bad things happen to us, we usually don't know why it's happening but sometimes we find out later on. We may never know. But there is a reason and we need to learn to trust God to get us through it. There's that word again...trust. But it's SO IMPORTANT THAT WE DO! Here are six lies the enemy tells us about being pks:

1) God doesn't care about you, if he did, you wouldn't have such a hard life.
2) It's okay to not trust.

3)It's okay to be bitter.
4)It's okay to hate.
5) You can't break down in front of anybody.
6) You have to be perfect.

You don't even have to be a pk to think these things, us as humans are prone to believe them. They are such awful lies that if you believe them, they will only make your life miserable. Satan will do anything it takes to make you believe them so you can't make a difference in the world... Don't let him. So how can you keep away from believing these lies? Let's start with 1: God doesn't care about you, if he did, you wouldn't have such a hard life. If you find yourself believing this lie, deep in your heart you probably know how COMPLETELY UNTRUE that is. God loves you SO MUCH! I know, you probably hear that "Jesus loves you!" so many times you'd punch the next person who tells you that but it's so true! God wants to have a relationship with you, isn't that amazing? I think it is!
The second lie is that it's okay to not trust. This is a harder one to get over. It's so easy to believe sometimes! If you were hurt by some one you trusted this can be especially hard. Start out by praying, this is hard. Talk to God about what happened that made it hard for you to trust, pour out your heart to him. He'll listen to you and won't hurt you later on. After beginning to trust God, the next step is to trust people - even harder. Starting with your parents is the best thing you can do. Ask them to help you work through it and pray with you. It will be hard but so worth it!

(To be continued)

Want the first part to I Am the Audience? Click here!

Masks

2010-04-01T11:56:00.000-07:00

Alright, so everyone has a "mask." Whether they're a pk or not. Whether it's the goodie-two-shoes, the jock, the quiet one, the hyper one, and so many others. Very few people have actually seen behind mine. Not very many people see beyond yours right? Yet behind the masks our lives may be so perfect and nothing is wrong, or it may be so broken and painful. Your world could be falling apart totally and completely, maybe nobody knows. Your probably feel so alone like no one could every know how your world is broken. Have faith! It will end soon, this is a season where God is testing you getting you ready to be used in more powerful ways. He's got his hand of protection over you. He loves you unconditionally. Our lives are different yes. Harder? Maybe. Filled with more God? DEFINITLY!!! Think about it, you have more Godly influences than most teens. Our lives are blessed. This may be a hard season but you'll get through it. God has a purpose and a plan for your life.

I am the Audience

2010-03-31T22:20:00.000-07:00

Taking a deep breath, I wipe away the tears and frustration of the morning. It is almost time to get back on stage. Putting on the finishing touch to my costume, a mask of a smile and happiness, I take one last look at myself in the mirror. Everything is ready. I look like my character. And I almost start to feel like my character though behind my mask, behind my plastic smile, behind my perfect character, I am still hurt, bitter, and lonely. I still would just like to stay home and sleep. But, instead, I enter stage and be everything I think I have to be. My stage is the building I go to every Sunday called church. My audience is everyone around me. Sometimes I think I can even fool God. My character is that sweet girl who works in the nursery when the person who was supposed to do it is home sleeping. My character is the girl who smiles and nods when people tell her the things she really doesn't care to hear. I am the girl who is perfect. Nothing less, or my audience might think that Mom and Dad are bad parents. They may hurt them and the worst part would be that my parents would love me anyway. No, I have to be perfect, that's all I know to do. I know it's wrong for me to expect that of myself but it's hard to change. In a way, I make myself believe that the people at church are my audience when really, I am. I am the audience. I expect myself to be perfect. I become bitter and hard-hearted because I can't let anyone know how much I hurt. I especially can't let myself know. I can't cry. I can't trust anyone. Nobody can know that I am not everything I make myself seem. I have to be tough. I can't let myself know that it hurt when somebody told lies about my parents. I have to keep it bottled inside to grow. But I can't break. Sometimes I try to cry but I can't. I can't change. It's just stuffed too far in there.

Introduction to Who We Are

2010-03-31T22:00:00.000-07:00

Hello, our names are Malea and Caitmo. We're both pastor's kids. Our lives are a whole lot different than most teenagers. A couple months ago we decided to start a blog for writing about what goes on behind the mask of a pk... we decided this because we went online a while back, thinking that we could find something good to relate to. Nothing. So now we're making one, hoping that it will help other pks.
We met a couple years ago at a pk retreat but it wasn't until the second retreat that we really started connecting. We built a close friendship over text messages. There are a lot of reasons we can relate with each other, mostly because we're pks. Our goal is that you (the reader) will be able to relate with us, too.