3/31/10
I am the Audience
Taking a deep breath, I wipe away the tears and frustration of the morning. It is almost time to get back on stage. Putting on the finishing touch to my costume, a mask of a smile and happiness, I take one last look at myself in the mirror. Everything is ready. I look like my character. And I almost start to feel like my character though behind my mask, behind my plastic smile, behind my perfect character, I am still hurt, bitter, and lonely. I still would just like to stay home and sleep. But, instead, I enter stage and be everything I think I have to be. My stage is the building I go to every Sunday called church. My audience is everyone around me. Sometimes I think I can even fool God. My character is that sweet girl who works in the nursery when the person who was supposed to do it is home sleeping. My character is the girl who smiles and nods when people tell her the things she really doesn't care to hear. I am the girl who is perfect. Nothing less, or my audience might think that Mom and Dad are bad parents. They may hurt them and the worst part would be that my parents would love me anyway. No, I have to be perfect, that's all I know to do. I know it's wrong for me to expect that of myself but it's hard to change. In a way, I make myself believe that the people at church are my audience when really, I am. I am the audience. I expect myself to be perfect. I become bitter and hard-hearted because I can't let anyone know how much I hurt. I especially can't let myself know. I can't cry. I can't trust anyone. Nobody can know that I am not everything I make myself seem. I have to be tough. I can't let myself know that it hurt when somebody told lies about my parents. I have to keep it bottled inside to grow. But I can't break. Sometimes I try to cry but I can't. I can't change. It's just stuffed too far in there.
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u have no idea how acuratly that describes me.
ReplyDeleteHi,
ReplyDeleteI don't know if this will ever help but I hope it does: having a calling and a standard from God will always make people different than others, even those who have a calling and the standard of Christ to follow as well.
Please never get wrapped up in how hard it is to have the expectations of a pk, it will most likely just drive you two ways: the crazy out of control lifestyle or the always bottled up feels too constricted way.
I think the focus should be on how God sees you and how we can learn to walk on his principles. If someone is offended by our mistakes (us christians in general) well then they are not using the grace that was freely given to them, they should answer to God.
My guess is that most people love you and would hate for those feelings of "everything is swallowing me up!!" to continue being part of your life. I bet most good people that you interact with in church want to see you flourish :)
Lastly, this might make you angry or might make you feel better: distrust is one of the main markers of your generations and the one prior to yours. It is not you alone and it's not like there is no cure for it. Most people, especially parents, want to be trusted and want to have part in your life. They, and other people around you, want to be guides (although it can get confusing because there are so many different opinions sometimes!). Distrusting hurts so much because it isolates people!! And when you finally trust someone like a friend and they let you down, not on purpose, it can hurt so much. But trusting is like a muscle that you practice, cautiously and wisely, and it grows stronger :) Don't isolate yourself, that's not how people grow and that is not what Jesus wanted from us, that's not living a life of abundance. That's not what he died for. By his stripes we are healed and that also means all that hurt and emotional wounds bottled up that only you and you alone experience by yourself.
Thank you a lot karelysbeltran! That is the exact message we have wanted to send through this blog! We just started this blog a couple days ago and are still working on getting to that point. When we read your comment, our reaction was "yes yes yes!" haha.
ReplyDeleteWe can do all things through Christ who strengthens us and He loves us just the way we are. I find that what matters is what Jesus thinks of us not others.
ReplyDeleteAlso, Malea and Caitmo never be afraid of talking over your feeling with your parents, and more importantly, Jesus.
....This sounds like you just wrote down everything that went through my brain yesterday before church...the tears...then covering them up and faking like everything is fine when really...the board members are trying to vote us out. Which means i get to move...AGAIN. and i'll lose all of my scholarships and my spot as cheer captain. I always thought I was the only one with these feelings....Its good to know im not alone.
ReplyDelete