Holding Back

     We're human. We've all made mistakes. Yet, we never feel like we can tell people. We are the absoloute best secret keepers ever. We have a lot of pressure on us, to keep secrets both about other people and oursevles. Where is all this pressure coming from? Our mindset.
    We are the ones putting all the pressure on ourselves. We are making ourselves think we must be perfect, we're convincing ourselves that everyone is watching our every move and judging us. We aren't allowing ourselves to live life to the fullest but concentrating more on what people are thinking about us. We are allowing ourselves to be people pleasers.
    I'm not saying that we don't have hurt, or that we need to buck up and get over it. I'm saying that our worst enemy is often ourselves and that we need to take control of the way we make ourselves feel. We don't need to be perfect. We are human. We are going to make mistakes. Let go of the perfectionistic mind set and live your life as a teenager is supposed to! :)

I am the audience part 3: bitterness

Are you bitter? I know I am. It is so easy to become so without even knowing or trying. At least, that's what I have found in my own life. It was like I just woke up and realized how bitter and angry I was. I looked up bitterness on Dictionary.com. The definitions that stood out to me most were:

1. Having a harsh, disagreeably acrid taste.

and

7. Resentful or cynical: bitter words.

Is the feeling inside you like a disagreeable taste? Are you resentful and cynical? So how can we abolish bitterness in our lives and how can we keep it from coming back? Well, first thing is first, you probably have a reason that you're bitter. Could be something that happened to you once that made you this way. What are you bitter about? About being a PK? Are you mad at God for making you the child of a pastor? Or it could be caused by hurt from lack of acceptance for who you are. Maybe you tried something and failed so many times that it has caused you to be bitter. Whatever it is, you need to let go of it. Letting go is a painful thing, especially if you have held on to this anger or hurt for a long time. Give it up to God and ask him to fill that place in your heart that was once filled with bitterness.  God wants you to love and trust without having a bad taste in your mouth so SPIT IT OUT! It's not okay to be bitter.

fear

     What are our most common fears as pks or just people in general? Rejection? Hatred? Moving? Unknown? You aren't alone.
     Rejection: We're all scared. Simple right? No we're scared that at our new church, our new school, maybe just coming back to school, that our closest friends will find someone better. Someone nicer, prettier, has better clothes, more money, or just seems cooler. If someone rejects you for any of these reasons they weren't worth your time and rejection may just be a blessing in disguise. This rejection may lead you to better friends that won't flake out on you. But rejection is going to be painful of course! It's rejection for goodness sake... It's a painful but worth while process.
     Hatred: Two way street here. We're scared to have someone hate us of course we want everyone to love us. We're people pleasers we NEED to break that. We love Jesus therefore people should hate us. If people don't hate you because of your faith then you're being passive, way too passive. Which means you need to repent and start taking a stand for what you believe. The other side of the street; hating others. What if someone slips and tells you something that makes you lose respect for someone or makes you hate them? Maybe they did something simple like lie about being sick in order to skip their turn in the baby room, or something stupid like went off about your pastor parent. Whatever the reason you probably feel hatred towards them. Which needs to end now. You need to repent to God and ask the person you ended up hating for forgiveness. Yes the person-to-person thing will be very scary but it needs to be done.
     Moving: I'm sure we cann all relate to this. The scariest thing probably as a pk is seeing those invitation to move somewhere else. You know that I'm finally settling in here getting used to these neighbors feeling? Well once you get it, it's like BAM!!! New invite to a church to be considered. Scary, very scary. Moving, moving, moving, moving, that word just scares you huh? Us too... Yet, really it's just the fear of the unknown.
     Unknown: We're scared of just about everything that we don't know. New towns, new schools, new houses, new friends. Anything unfamilliar scares us. Repent... The fear of the unknown is a major stronghold in lives, you need to break free from it in yours in order to live your life as best as possible.
     In general when we get scared we put on those masks. Those masks that kill us inside. A smile that looks so real it fools us sometimes.

perfection

Every pk knows the feeling we all deny it but it's there. We have all tried so hard to make people think we're perfect but wen do not we don't need to be. We don't owe anyone perfection. We can't be perfect. We do reflect our parents but they aren't perfect so why should we be? My parents taught a parenting class for a couple years which just added to the pressure to be perfect. Some family friends have told me multiple times "Be yourself not your father's daughter," but that's been hard for me, really, really, hard. Yet showing people my mistakes has helped me. I am part of small group at the church where we just talk about our mistakes which has helped a lot and I would definantely recommend that to every pk, your small group will need to be filled with people you trust and that trust you. But, if you don't trust anyone at your church then join one that has people that trust you.

A friend named Nate (he helps at our pk retreat) was speaking once and said "the expectation of perfection is the same as the feeling of needing to fit in." That really strikes me oddly I never felt the need to fit in so the realization of the fact that I have felt the need to fit in, that's so life changing. Nate had an amazing service that morning. Some of his points were

1)We don't have to be perfect

2) We need to be an example pk or not

1 Timothy 4:12

3) You don't have to be perfect

Perfection is something we've all pursued admit it or not. Yet none of us have gotten it. It's a commonality with all pks we need to remember we don't owe perfection to anyone. We are our own people, not a mini version of our parents, but unique individuals.

I Am the Audience part 2

    If you read I Am the Audience and loved it, I'm glad. If you found that you were a lot like the person in that story, you were probably thinking something along the lines of: "Ok, good, some one like me that understands and can feel sorry for me because I have a hard life." If you thought anything that remotely suggested that, oh man, you were so wrong. I don't mean to be rude but that's just the way it is. If you are like the person in the story of I Am the Audience, you might stop reading this now. If that idea even crossed your mind, I strongly urge you to KEEP READING! You may be in a hard place right now but that is NO EXCUSE to dwell in that! We probably all have our moments where we feel like the world is crashing down on us and we're all alone. There is nothing wrong with that, the problem is staying in that place and not working to come out of it. Yes, life is hard and we're hurt sometimes but it is not okay to hold all of that inside to grow and expand. Sometimes as people, that leads to not being able to trust other people, which is not healthy at all! Sure you could have had a bad experience or two where somebody you loved and trusted failed you. It hurts, I know! But we have to learn how to come out of it and trust again. There is a reason bad things happen to us, we usually don't know why it's happening but sometimes we find out later on. We may never know. But there is a reason and we need to learn to trust God to get us through it. There's that word again...trust. But it's SO IMPORTANT THAT WE DO! Here are six lies the enemy tells us about being pks:

1) God doesn't care about you, if he did, you wouldn't have such a hard life.
2) It's okay to not trust.

3)It's okay to be bitter.
4)It's okay to hate.
5) You can't  break down in front of anybody.
6) You have to be perfect.

    You don't even have to be a pk to think these things, us as humans are prone to believe them. They are such awful lies that if you believe them, they will only make your life miserable. Satan will do anything it takes to make you believe them so you can't make a difference in the world... Don't let him. So how can you keep away from believing these lies? Let's start with 1: God doesn't care about you, if he did, you wouldn't have such a hard life. If you find yourself believing this lie, deep in your heart you probably know how COMPLETELY UNTRUE that is. God loves you SO MUCH! I know, you probably hear that "Jesus loves you!" so many times you'd punch the next person who tells you that but it's so true! God wants to have a relationship with you, isn't that amazing? I think it is!
    The second lie is that it's okay to not trust. This is a harder one to get over. It's so easy to believe sometimes! If you were hurt by some one you trusted this can be especially hard. Start out by praying, this is hard. Talk to God about what happened that made it hard for you to trust, pour out your heart to him. He'll listen to you and won't hurt you later on. After beginning to trust God, the next step is to trust people - even harder. Starting with your parents is the best thing you can do. Ask them to help you work through it and pray with you. It will be hard but so worth it!

(To be continued)

Want the first part to I Am the Audience? Click here!

Masks

     Alright, so everyone has a "mask." Whether they're a pk or not. Whether it's the goodie-two-shoes, the jock, the quiet one, the hyper one, and so many others. Very few people have actually seen behind mine. Not very many people see beyond yours right? Yet behind the masks our lives may be so perfect and nothing is wrong, or it may be so broken and painful. Your world could be falling apart totally and completely, maybe nobody knows. Your probably feel so alone like no one could every know how your world is broken. Have faith! It will end soon, this is a season where God is testing you getting you ready to be used in more powerful ways. He's got his hand of protection over you. He loves you unconditionally. Our lives are different yes. Harder? Maybe. Filled with more God? DEFINITLY!!! Think about it, you have more Godly influences than most teens. Our lives are blessed. This may be a hard season but you'll get through it. God has a purpose and a plan for your life.

I am the Audience

    Taking a deep breath, I wipe away the tears and frustration of the morning. It is almost time to get back on stage. Putting on the finishing touch to my costume, a mask of a smile and happiness, I take one last look at myself in the mirror. Everything is ready. I look like my character. And I almost start to feel like my character though behind my mask, behind my plastic smile, behind my perfect character, I am still hurt, bitter, and lonely. I still would just like to stay home and sleep. But, instead, I enter stage and be everything I think I have to be. My stage is the building I go to every Sunday called church. My audience is everyone around me. Sometimes I think I can even fool God. My character is that sweet girl who works in the nursery when the person who was supposed to do it is home sleeping. My character is the girl who smiles and nods when people tell her the things she really doesn't care to hear. I am the girl who is perfect. Nothing less, or my audience might think that Mom and Dad are bad parents. They may hurt them and the worst part would be that my parents would love me anyway. No, I have to be perfect, that's all I know to do. I know it's wrong for me to expect that of myself but it's hard to change. In a way, I make myself believe that the people at church are my audience when really, I am. I am the audience. I expect myself to be perfect. I become bitter and hard-hearted because I can't let anyone know how much I hurt. I especially can't let myself know. I can't cry. I can't trust anyone. Nobody can know that I am not everything I make myself seem. I have to be tough. I can't let myself know that it hurt when somebody told lies about my parents. I have to keep it bottled inside to grow. But I can't break. Sometimes I try to cry but I can't. I can't change. It's just stuffed too far in there.

Introduction to Who We Are

     Hello, our names are Malea and Caitmo. We're both pastor's kids. Our lives are a whole lot different than most teenagers. A couple months ago we decided to start a blog for writing about what goes on behind the mask of a pk... we decided this because we went online a while back, thinking that we could find something good to relate to. Nothing. So now we're making one, hoping that it will help other pks.
     We met a couple years ago at a pk retreat but it wasn't until the second retreat that we really started connecting. We built a close friendship over text messages. There are a lot of reasons we can relate with each other, mostly because we're pks. Our goal is that you (the reader) will be able to relate with us, too.